Everybody loves the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, right? Weird garbage mutants, shell puns, pizza hedonism. It’s the best! 30 years after their inception, those four bad brothers have kicked and sliced their way into our hearts, but of course we’ve all got to have a favorite.
Here’s what your favorite hero in a half shell says about you!
You’ve never seen more than 5 minutes of Ninja Turtles.
Or you’ve never seen any of his brothers.
Leo’s a fucking snooze-fest and probably so are you. He’s the basic-bitch of the TMNT crew, and saying your favorite Turtle is Leonardo is basically just saying you like blue.
If you claim he’s your favorite turtle, you’re a passionless 20 year old female college student in a fleece Northface jacket who only remembers her older brothers watching Ninja Turtles. You’re a zero of a person yourself and you need an alpha male to lead your life and shape who you are. The problem is (well there’s a LOT of problems with that) that Leo isn’t the over-entitled frat boy you’re really looking for. Sure, he stands in front, but the only person more boring than Leonardo is you, you fucking loser. You’re probably the person at your office that everyone forgets exists. Kill yourself, no one’s even gonna notice, you vanilla piece of shit.
Yeah yeah, cool swords, honor code, trustworthy, blah blah blah. He’s a wet blanket, but he’s just okay. Leo balances out the team, and they’re actually less cool without him, but only because he’s the baseline against which you can measure everyone else’s strong personalities.
Or at least you’re emotionally 16.
You’re the kind of person who’s all like “wah wah wah, I hate drama” but you know deep down you fucking looooooove the drama, you drama slut. You’re probably a middle child who never found any real value in yourself so you project a lack of value on everything else in order to inflate yourself. This makes you fucking annoying. You stand in the corner and listen to “serious” “heavy” music because anything that’s not “dark” and “severe” isn’t “real”, but you don’t know what the “hell” you’re “talking” about you “goddam teenager” (I’m using “these” right, right?). You’ve learned that the world isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but you’re either too weak to fix your damn problems or you’re too selfish and you play up how butt hurt you are in hopes that someone will take notice and save you from it. Also if your favorite Turtle is Raphael, you’re grinding your teeth and arguing with this right now. But it’s true.
Eeeeeeverybody says Raph is the best for the same reason that eeeeeeverybody says Frank Miller is the best. Which makes sense, he’s the last remnant of the original joke – the Ninja Turtles were originally created as a direct response to Frank Miller’s work on Daredevil and Ronin. It was a perfect blend of satire and homage to Miller’s style of heavy handed and self important brooding that only really connects with emotionally stunted dummies (that’s right – shots fired, Frank Miller). And while Raph is great for action scenes and keeping Mikey in check (Ugh, I’m GETTING to THAT asshole), the dude’s just 2 beers away from beating up Christy Mack.
People make the mistake too often that dark introspective moodiness = quality. It really just equals self-absorption. Now wipe away that eye liner, tell your mom you love her and quit being such a baby.
You don’t have a job.
Or at least you can’t keep one.
You don’t TRY to be a retard, you just kinda are. In a way it’s hard to hate you because you’re that innocent kind of fuckup who doesn’t know he’s hurting anybody, but you’re still just a fuckup who’s hurting everybody. You’re the asshole who’s super fun in social situations, but as soon as you make plans to hang out 1-on-1, you bail or flake or make everything about you. You’ve never helped anyone move, once. Ever. And You promise to every single time, that’s the worst part. It’s become such a problem with you that nobody even expects you to show up at all. They tell you to meet at 7 when they mean 9 because they know you’ll STILL be late.
You’re always dating someone, but we don’t even bother to remember their names anymore because you’re just going to make them cry and then act like YOU’RE the victim. You can’t let a conversation die down, even if there’s nothing to say, for fear of facing your own thoughts. You’ve always got a band you want to start, or a screenplay you wanna write, or some restaurant you’ll convince everyone to help you get off the ground, but you never follow through with any of it, you twat.
Mikey’s a great foil to the rest of the team cause he cuts through the cloud of Raph’s self-importance, gives Leonardo something to try to fix, and keeps things interesting enough to give Donnie a reason not to just go off and be a more successful solo operation.
If your favorite Ninja Turtle is Michelangelo, you’re a monster who’s going to die alone at 45 wearing a hawaiian shirt. Good luck with that.
You’re a fully realized adult human!
Or at least you’ve got an idea of what one looks like.
Donatello is the self professed nerd of the Turtles. He’s smart as shit (most people couldn’t build a rocket blimp out of rocket blimp parts, let alone garbage cans and cat skeletons), but he doesn’t rub it in your face. You’ve been comfortable wearing purple even through the late 90s when EVERYONE was insecure about it. You don’t care. You can sport some lavender kneepads without worrying whether or not everyone’s gonna think you’re an A-#1 cock hound. You know why? Because you’re not a biggot and you’re secure with your image. Good for you!
You’re a geek! You’ve got interests and passions, and you don’t become self conscious about them. And remember I mentioned how smart Donnie is? That makes him employable! Donatello’s never gonna ask you for a loan. Donatello’s never gonna need a ride. Donatello’s never gonna need to crash at your place for a while because he punched his landlord in the throat. He’s a solid dude! And that’s not to say he’s boring, either! Donnie and Mike were the best of friends, he could hang with the top banana party animal and keep up. The difference is that he would be the one holding Mikey’s bandana back while he puked (or “nun-up-chucked”, sorry that was dumb) into the sewage runoff.
And don’t tell me he was a pussy. Donatello never fell behind or needed saving. That was Raph’s bag. Donnie beats up rock soldiers and orange alien Triceratops with a goddam stick while the others have pointy metal shit to make their jobs easy. He holds his own. And where is everyone without you, huh? Nowhere, that’s where.
Plus I’m pretty sure Don’s black. You read into that how you want, but if he’s not your favorite that basically makes you a racist.
So congratulations! In a question of preference there are no “right and wrong” answers, but if you picked Don, you picked right.
You’re a girl.
Or at least some weird cartoon pervert. Get off the internet, weirdo.
You’re a fucking hipster.
Or at least an ex-grunge fan.
Just like Casey, you’ve got SOME sort of potential, but you just can’t play along and wash your goddamn hair, you slacker! You’ve gotta fight the system, even if the system is a fucking children’s cartoon. Casey was hardly even in that 80s cartoon so you’ve got to be fairly familiar with the lore to give a damn. Casey’s the deep cut. Casey’s some band’s “early stuff”. You went out and read the comics and you walk away idolizing the detached outsider because “ooOOOooohh I’ve GOTTA be the special fucking snowflake cause mommy told me I shit gold!” Only some fucking mumblecore shoegazer hipster douchebag has to go and pick the one fuckin guy who’s not actually a turtle. You’re all like “Yeah, they’re cool and all, but everybody’s about the Turtles. Casey was the cool one everyone forgets. Look at his ripped jeans!” GO KICK ROCKS, DICKHEAD! Tell it to your coworkers at the bike shop, you tool. You might need to cough up all the fucking flannel you’ve been deepthroating first! Quit being difficult, go shave your mustache and pick a Turtle!
You don’t exist.
Seriously, who are you? I’m probably the biggest life-long Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan you’ll ever meet, but even I could do without the rat.
Okay, you’re just being a contrarian.
Well there you have it! Don’t bother arguing, I’m right. I mean I was voted “Honorary Ninja Turtle” in preschool. So… y’know. So there…
Feel free to extrapolate and apply this to your Turtle-tastic lives, sewer creepers! And as always —